The B’s of Intentional Parenting
Salamatu Jidda – Fada
Adopting a few golden principles have helped me to nurture and raise my children in the way I do. Firstly, the faith-based principle of sowing and reaping. Additionally, one of Maya Angelou’s most popular quotes ‘Do the best you can until you know better, when you know better, do better.’ These are two of my grounding principles as it relates to parenting.
I will approach this article with short tips on Intentional Parenting, coincidentally, the first letters all begin with letter B, thus the title.
Believe in Something
It is imperative for your children to know if you are religious or not, if you are, whether you are steadfast and committed. Children need us to be well grounded and have values that they can trace to something. As they begin to grow, their curious minds will keep asking questions and expect you to provide the answers or direct them to the answers. They will question everything and want evidence in your answers. Personally, being a consistent Christian and doing my best to live my life based on the teachings from the bible has helped my children also to find their way in their beliefs. Sincerity, openness, and true belief in the teachings of your faith prevents a doubting of your religion and/or apostacy. You don’t have to be perfect but be honest and be consistent.
Be a Role Model
One of the scariest situations in the world currently, is lack of role models. A Role model, simply put is someone looked up to by others as an example. Children need role models in their lives, and as the saying goes, charity begins at home. If the parents cannot be that example they need, they look outside the home, consequently, they may end up being misled or deceived by others. It is not easy to be a perfect role model, however, it is possible to keep growing as you are leading others (children and other mentees). There’s no need to put undue pressure on yourself to be the best, but it is important that your successes should outweigh your failures. Additionally, equip yourself with some tools – read books, attend short courses, learn from others etc.
Be Sacrificial
It is smart and normal to have personal goals for yourself as a parent. However, when and where your goals collide with your children’s, you must make sacrifice and/or compromise in their favor, sometimes seemingly at your expense. Postpone, cancel, or manage your goals and activities so that your child could have a chance. Sometimes it is more difficult especially when it affects income for the family, prioritize family needs often at the expense of prestige and ego. Value quality time spent with family and attend children’s school meetings, sports etc. On the other hand, if it is you having to take an extra job to meet the real needs of the family, that is taking you away, this is also important to discuss and ensure cooperation and understanding amongst members of the family. These days there are multiple available streams of income, many passive that you can explore to substitute for your absence at home.
Be Informed about Children’s stages of Development.
Prior information and understanding the difference stages in your child’s development will reduce anxiety and conflicts in the family. Perhaps the most difficult stage is the teenage years (13-19): although children tend to act up and exhibit all forms of behaviors, there are a few precautionary measures you can take to support and help them. Read books to help you understand what they are going through. Give them the space they need and learn to trust them. Personally, I invited my church members and five of my children’s friends over on their 13th birthdays. We had a mini service which included special prayers, singing, and a party afterwards. This was the tradition in my house for all four children. Whether they are toddlers or in university, they have needs, understand their needs, and help them with advice, prayer and sometimes external intervention is required. Do not hesitate to reach out, it is about the child’s wellbeing and not ‘exposing family secrets.
Be Accessible
Be willing to drop off anything and everything and show up when your child needs you. My children have access to me 24/7. They are also aware that I am available to them, whether they mess up or not. They try to keep me up to date about happenings in their age groups and among their circles and I use such information to guide them as well. The worst thing to do to your child is judge them and run them down with words. It will only make them act up more and withhold vital information from you. This is a path you don’t want to tread. It will neither help you or the child.
These aforementioned tips are by no means exhaustible on the subject matter. Recall, I started with two guiding principles, and I want to conclude with them. If you sow good seeds in parenting: making wise choices, accepting your limitations, improving on your short comings and being prayerful (if you believe in something), you will in due course harvest good fruits. Intentional parenting should not be subject to the undesirable byproducts of relational discontinuity, it’s all about doing your best to raise decent children. Lastly, allow people you trust to help you, especially if you see that they have done a good job themselves.
About Dr Salamatu J Fada
Salamatu Jidda – Fada, PhD. is a Nigerian born Conservation Scientist and Educator resident in Bangor Gwynedd, United Kingdom. She was a Research fellow with the Centre for Evidence Based Conservation, Bangor University, UK between 2016 -2018 and currently, a Visiting Researcher in the School of Natural Sciences, Bangor University, UK.
Her current research involves establishing a Coalition of Conservationists in Nigeria to work as a collective in creating sustainable conservation interventions to protect Nigerian Biodiversity. She is also actively involved in Human – wildlife conflict/co-existence in Dadin Kowa, Nigeria among other things. Salamatu is appointed Assessment Group, IUCN Green list for Nigeria.
Honourable Salamatu is the First Black to be elected Bangor City Council Councillor and also conferred with Honourary Doctorate.
